Sales people, from the dawn of time (okay, I'm exaggerating), have received a bad wrap. The best way to sum it up is "used car salesman." Nothing ticks people off more than disengenous sale people who focus on the sale at the expense of the person.It's unfortunate that a few bad apples have spoiled the barrel.

Well, today I received an email from such a person. Here's the original followed by some commentary.  What do you think?

IRA

I just tried to call you this AM and I thought an email might be easier for you to respond to. Did you know that last week Maryland became the first state to enact a password privacy protection bill going into effect October 2012?  What does this mean to you and to the hundreds of other government contracts here in Maryland? More Compliance!

How do you manage your business and employees day-to-day when increasing levels of compliance are being requested by the State, OFCCP, DOL, DCAA, IRS, etc?  

Resources such as people and technology can help you manage these complicated pieces of your business and Automatic Data Processing with offices in Rockville can potentially assist you.

Please feel free to extend an invitation to me to visit your office; I would be more than happy to share with you some success stories. I have some time this week before the holiday weekend so please contact me with a good time.  

Regards,

William LastName
(###) ### - ####

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Comments and Suggestions follow:

IRA
> Why is my name capitalized? In email William, this is called shouting. Also, where is the punctuation?

I just tried to call you this AM
> Here's the part that really rubbed me the wrong way. No you didn't William. And I know and you know this is manipulative and untrue. Instead, get right to the point which starts with "Did you know."

I thought an email might be easier for you to respond to.
> Bad grammar. And you're presuming you know what is best for me.

Did you know that last week Maryland became the first state to enact a password privacy protection bill going into effect October 2012?  What does this mean to you and to the hundreds of other government contracts here in Maryland? More Compliance!
> Several misspellings/grammar mistakes. Also, did you mean "contractors" vice "contracts?"

Resources such as people and technology can help you manage these complicated pieces of your business and Automatic Data Processing with offices in Rockville can potentially assist you.
> Make "can potentially assist you" active. Improve readability by shortening/rewriting

Please feel free to extend an invitation to me to visit your office
> Passive request...again, convince me you're worth my time.

I would be more than happy to share with you some success stories.
> You missed a huge opportunity here to Wow me with a short success story.